Perspective (Take 2) 
If you read my blog, Cherry Blossom Soup, you may recall yesterday's post about how to hold it all. How to make sense of the heartbreaking news from Haiti - the stories and images of loss too great to comprehend - juxtaposed with the pieces of my own life: driving my son to school and laughing as he sings silly songs about the Gold Rush, sipping rooibos tea as I write and edit, washing organic lettuce for a dinner salad, searching through my hats for the right one to wear to the Edwardian Ball next weekend. I spoke of the guilt over having so much joy in my life when others were suffering such immense loss. And I'm still feeling it now. It reminds me of when I was volunteering for a homeless food program in Los Angeles. I would spend a few hours every week helping prepare and serve meals at the homeless center. The rest of the week I would feel guilty whenever I would eat my own meals, buy groceries or go to the movies. Every time I took out a dollar bill to pay for a cup of coffee or candy bar, I would think, "Who am I to have this treat? Why do I have this money? I should give this money to the food program. I should give all my money to the food program." And I might either save the money to offer as a donation, or else I would buy myself the cup of coffee. But either way, I didn't solve the homeless situation in Los Angeles. Nor, did I alleviate the guilt I felt at being so fortunate. Throughout my life these kinds of questions have lived inside of me. I've always wanted to be more generous, but have also always had my own well of "need" that never seemed full. I ignore it a lot of the time, but when I'm honest with myself, I realize that on a daily basis I'm silently asking the questions and making choices about where I spend my money and energy. I'm making moment to moment choices about how to hold things. How much joy and how much sorrow. How much for me and how much for them. ***
Fortunately, I am a Buddhist and so I am not required to have any answers to all of this. But what my practice asks of me is to simply pay attention. How does it feel when I think about donating to Haiti? What part of me decides how much to donate? How do I know what is "enough?" What happens when I pay $15 for a dance class the day after the earthquake in Haiti? What does it feel like to see a photo of a father holding the corpse of his baby girl? What's it like to feel gratitude that my son is curled up in his comforter right now, face flush with sleep? What aspect of me is asking- and what aspect responds - to the question of "Where should I place my time, attention, and money right now?" Just looking. Just looking. No answers necessary. Just breathing and watching it all. Holding it all. *** It is midnight. And as I sit quietly with these questions, a thought drops in. It's this: the words, "simply celebrate" can seem mighty naïve and meaningless in light of such devastation and loss such as that in Haiti right now. But as I sit here at my desk in my cozy apartment in this gorgeous city of San Francisco, my son sleeping soundly in the room down the hall, I have to ask myself, "What choice do I have?" What choice but to celebrate the life that is inside and all around me: The blood pumping through me, the humanity I feel, the questions swirling around in my soul, the open-hearted generosity as the world seeks ways to help Haiti, the image of doing crosswords with my mom, the soreness in my legs from a night of dancing, the refrigerator full of food, the excitement of a new day tomorrow? When I allow myself to celebrate my joy and to feel great gratitude for everything I have, I feel full. I feel happy. My Zen teacher, Cheri Huber, often uses the phrase, "gratitude wants to give." I ask myself, can I allow myself to be filled with the joy and gratitude of my own life? I have a feeling that if I can, then that well of abundance - as energy, time, or money -can be readily available to others who ask. And the real celebration is having compassion for all, holding it all. You can help the disaster relief efforts in Haiti right now by texting "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the American Red Cross, or by using this link to make an on-line donation to UNICEF.
Sending love and gratitude,
Sherry
From the Simply Celebrate Community... I was moved by two thought-provoking comments posted to the blog about the topic of giving/guilt. I want to share them with you. If you have thoughts of your own about this, I would really love to hear from you. It makes such a difference to share the questions and exploration together. You can visit Cherry Blossom Soup and leave a comment on the blog.
From Zach: Thanks. I've been having a similar internal dialog today, and your post added a fine ingredient to the soup. Here's where my internal dialog sent me - to host this fundraising dancing event in Berkeley, CA on Sunday (January 17). Please feel free to spread the news. From James: You echo the same emotions we all do when we're connected to others who are suffering. The best we can do is give some part of our abundance without guilt - just bless it and blow your life-giving breath across it, open your hand and let it go. We all own it. In your time of need, someone will reciprocate without guilt. It's a beautiful system that transcends the guilt, the devastation, the pain. From Jessica: I stumbled on this bit by David Deida one time when I was grappling with guilt — not sure what you think of him, and not sure what you'll make of this essay, but somehow it's a piece of the puzzle for me: "Shop" from Instant Enlightenment (David Deida) "Feel all the garments in your favorite clothing store. Imbibe the many colors. Let your fingertips graze the textures of dobby, satin, and fur. Try on whatever you like. Bask in wearing first one glorious outfit, then another. Continue to do this, while feeling all the people in the world who are at war, diseased, or in lonely despair- while you enjoy your shopping trip. Start close to home, with your family and friends, knowing their private suffering or secret pain. Then expand to feel everyone on earth who may be starving, sick, or dying. From your heart, radiate to them the happiness of trying on such beautiful clothing. Offer the feeling of the fabrics and the color of the clothing as gifts. Imagine beaming your wonderful experience of shopping to all those who are suffering. To be free as love, give your joy away. Give all your wonderful experiences away to others, as gifts, keeping nothing, not even a memory, for yourself. Guilt and tension result from hoarding your happy moments. Instant enlightenment is to give all your happiness away to others." —David Deida | |
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